Thursday, June 12, 2008
Hello blog =)
Long time since I've seen you or looked back at my old entries.
Never realised I could write like that
Looks like I've learnt quite a bit too
Matured?
Wiser?
Calmer?
Maybe.
So I did rant alot about my Christian walk. Now looking back, it's really interesting, and I thank God for sustaining me through those trying times.
What really happened? No that can wait. I'll tell you why I revived this blog.
I guess through my trying times and this blog, God has used it to bless others, to help them understand the Christian walk better. It is of no credit to me because I'm merely an instrument of Christ. Glad that God has given me the privelege of being His instrument. Thank you Lord!
So what really happened?
I realised that being a christian was more than just going to church every sunday, singing hillsongs, getting high (so called filled with the Holy Spirit) and then spending all my time, energy in church and neglecting everything else. In short, being radical for Jesus. In fact, I would say, Christian walk isnt! I couldn't understand it when I first left el. It just felt wrong to go back, or to be near anyone like the people there.
I hated everything that had to do with being so-called radical for God. Why? The question was: if we talk about being radical for Jesus in the way that I was shown in the past, then how does it apply to everyday life? Mundane life? I seldom or rather had no what they called, encounters with God. It was also distressing because it seemed that everyone was kinda trying to seek after encounters with God, to experience God, show that God was with them. To me, the way they chased after those stuff it was no different from chasing fame, riches, etc. I had a problem with the way they tried to make themselves more like hillsongs. It's alright to want to improve the standard but it seemed more like trying to improve so as to impress people, make themselves a name, look like those famous american churches. If we needed to put in such stuff to keep people, what's the point? Is this what a church should be doing?
Also, I felt as though my faith in God was dependant on my friends. When they were down, I also stumbled. When they were high, I was high. When they left, I was devastated. When they changed, I withdrew.
So I left the church, went into a christian school, saw alot of stuff similar to what I just left and was ANGSTY. LOL hahaha. yups angsty. I'm sorry to all the people I gave quite a hell to. muahahaha..how I must have seriously questioned you guys and put you all in a spot. I wa going through this rough patch. What consisted of this rought patch? Alot. I felt that because of the way the church and peeople were heading, even the Christian faith seemed hopeless. But inside me I was struggling with this because I knew God is not determined by the church. How then to keep your faith without falling for such stuff? Was I wrong to critisize the church and the people for what i mentioned in the earlier 2 paragraphs? What if the Christian walk was really as such? I wouldn't be able to stand it! What was life all about then? What was the meaning of life? I wasn't doing well in studies. So what even if i were? I could achieve everything, but at the end still have to die. I know there's heaven but will I even make it in there? Was I holy enough? What made me holy? How do I walk the christian walk? Everyday life? What is the fine line having accepted Christ and not? So was I really a christian?? And what about my ownself? I'm so imperfect, lousy for that matter. No body really wanted me, I felt, no one truly cared. Where was God?
MUAHAHAHA
if you find the above going in circles, that was exactly what happened to me. I went in circles. Questioning, crying, asking, searching for answers. I needed to be alone. I needed to reconcile with myself.
So after a long time, i did that. But come A levels, school stopped. I began to come out of these circles and see how people worked. With God's blessing of Jeremy, I reconciled with myself.
Now looking back, God has blessed me. Truly. I was searching for an answer as to how to live the everyday mundane life. He has answered it by putting me in a (soon-to-be) profession where I will deal with everyday life. How should we worship God then? We can be radical for God, but I don't mean you start jumping and screaming each time you hear His name. hahaha. We can honour God through living each day right. In whatever we do, to do it well and in honour of God. Even if we make mistakes, we need to reconcile with God. I struggle with sin too, it's difficult sometimes to admit. But God is good. And my profession will help me find ways to honour God more everyday because everyday I will be helping others! And I can do it for God!
And He has equipped me just right for it. I'm no glam gurl. In fact, I'm chor lor, noisy. He has taught me the importance of nodding my head, looking people in the eyes, being warm, listening though they still need to be improved! I always lamented why God didn't give me abilities, talents, beauty (well sometimes I still do) but it was never expected that abilities would come in the form of nodding my head, listening, looking people in the eyes! I also always lamented that I couldn't do alot of stuff that I really wanted to do and that I hated 9-5 sit-at-the-desk jobs! RAWR! But God is great! This course and soon to be profession will be the opposite. Challenging, with many obstacles, sticky maybe, but God is wonderful. He doesn't give you more or less than what you need. It's just right. Just right.
I pray that God will keep me humble even as I type this post. I hope that I'm truly doing this post in humility so that God will be glorified, and others can benefit. Do not credit me, please. Thank the One above. =)
lots of love,
charms
p.s. I study Occupational Therapy. Don't know what it is? Go check it out! Or ask me. I'll be more than happy to tell you. Let's just hope that my grades don't go down. THEY MUST GO UP ARRRHHH!!!